Trying Times, Found Hope

The last few months of 2012 have been the worst of my entire life, I almost wish the world would have ended as the Mayans had pridicted lol. I can't even remember a more trying time or remember ever having my faith and trust in God tested more strongly than then.
First I moved to an unfamiliar city with no friends to follow my calling and take on a challenging position with the greatest organization in the world, Teen Challenge. Only to be laid off three months later and stuck in leases and commitments that keep me here. Then I struggle medically, financially, and finally emotionally. Having to look in a direction other than TC for employment was very difficult for me to realize was needed for my next level and I was very tempted to give into the familiar securities and miss what God has for me. Leaving fulltime ministrty hurt me greatly and stepping out from beneath such a covering was scary for me. I entered into that covering coming out of exteme addiction and suicidal depression.
Then my greatest pain; losing my mother.
No words can describe that kind of pain.
Shortly afterward my Uncle Bill joined her in heaven. And again I spend most of my days alone with my grief, interrupted occasionally by some weekend visits with my love, Lisa (that is if she can find a place to stay here in Sac). If it werent for her then I dont know if I would be writing this now.
My knees were buckled, my faith rocked, my hope lost. Some days I didn't even get out of bed. Depression has always been a struggle of mine, it kept me homeless and lost in addiction and alcoholism for seven years in the past, and even now as a Christian I have to face that demon and battle with it from time to time. I dont always win, but I never remain defeated, thanks be to God! This time, not only do I have Christ in my life but He showed up stronger than ever.
Christ is my Lord! Not self pity or depression.

I was sad when I stepped away from full-time ministry but God still led me. I was lonely when I came here to live but Jesus was ever present. I was devistated when I lost my Mom, but my Heavenly Father is the Great Creator and He would not allow me to remain undone!
I awoke this morning as from a terrible dream and realized I am on the other side of this great trial. Lisa and I have spent the weekend talking about and planning our wedding. We have voiced our hopes to one another as well as our fears. We have planned how together we can help those we love and we have blessed one another and encouraged each other and together our excitement for the future is mounting.
These last few months have been trying, and yes, the most trying of my life. But I believe they have been the best for my growth, in faith in God than any I have ever lived and I now look forward to the future.

I also look back, but only to give me hope that my future is not just manageable, but that it is bright indeed.
Thank you Jesus for your love and thank you Mother for always loving me.

5 Mile Marker

I am about to hit what I like to call a "5 mile marker" you know 5 10 15 20 25....... Well I'm soon to be 45 years old. Wow! I still remember my childhood so well. Maybe if I wasn't able to then 45 wouldn't look so bad. I wouldn't be comparing it to 10, 12 or 21. I used to be so full of energy at those ages; always outside and always venturing off somewhere. By the time I was ten I already had been on most of the rooftops in my neighborhood, had climbed every tree in the park, and I mean every tree no kidding. I knew the river like my backyard for at least 3 miles in either direction from Apricot Lane where my brother, Chipper and I hunted rabbits, dove and quail. I could shoot a shotgun, ride a motorcycle and whistle louder than all my friends, thanks to my brother George. I was a real adventurer. Nothing ever changed until I fell from a roof while building homes in the Smoky Mountains of Tennessee and ended up back in California.

I was too young to have had such a tragic thing happen to me, I was only 22 years old. but by then I had lived in at least 6 different states with no family for more than a thousand miles, had spent over 5 years in the Army and had driven tanks, fired live missiles and completed more than one marathon. I had repelled out of helicopters, off mountains and over the edge of buildings. I had found my way in the wilderness and the dark with nothing but a map and a compass in search of my next meal, I had been in a full bar-room brawl with Army on one side and Marines on the other, I had my first love and lost her and have been an alcoholic and have recovered after taking the beating of my life by three bouncers. All before I was 23. I was excited about what was to come next. But that sudden stop at the foot of the foundation of a three story house changed everything.

Since then I have done only one thing to boast of. Oh don’t get me wrong, I have done plenty still, but this one thing made it all seem like only the introduction to a good book. That one thing is; I had found Jesus and had fallen in love with Him. My adventures today may seem pretty mellow to most people who hear of them, but I know that through me Christ has done some pretty amazing things. I take no credit for any of it; most times I didn’t even know what was going on. Pastor Bill Johnson from Bethel Church in Redding says it like this; (and I paraphrase) -- The heart can still believe in what the mind has not yet grasped. – Most of my work today follows this principle. I just try to obey God and stay out of His way as he uses me as His instrument.

If I was to encourage you to try some of the things I have done I would tell you to go ahead and learn to ride a motorcycle, if you don’t know how to learn to whistle real loud and if you are willing, start a marathon, who knows you just may finish it. I would tell you that firing a live TOW missile is way cool as is driving a tank, repelling out of choppers is an awesome rush and climbing to the top of the tallest tree in your neighborhood park makes you feel like there is nothing you cannot do when you’re only 8 years old.

But there is one thing that I would tell you about and with the passion of one who has been to the edge of death and has been snatched back and given an abundance of life that not any or not all combined could compare; I would beg you to try. If you would do this only once then you would never, ever, ever be the same again. Allow Jesus in. Experience His love if only for a moment, rest in His embrace and listen to His heart as it beats to the rhythm of your name and your life. He Loves You!!! He Desires You!!! He Is Calling You By Name!!!

I don't know how much more time He will give me here on this earth but I thank Him for what He has already given me, the rest is just gravy.