Trying Times, Found Hope

The last few months of 2012 have been the worst of my entire life, I almost wish the world would have ended as the Mayans had pridicted lol. I can't even remember a more trying time or remember ever having my faith and trust in God tested more strongly than then.
First I moved to an unfamiliar city with no friends to follow my calling and take on a challenging position with the greatest organization in the world, Teen Challenge. Only to be laid off three months later and stuck in leases and commitments that keep me here. Then I struggle medically, financially, and finally emotionally. Having to look in a direction other than TC for employment was very difficult for me to realize was needed for my next level and I was very tempted to give into the familiar securities and miss what God has for me. Leaving fulltime ministrty hurt me greatly and stepping out from beneath such a covering was scary for me. I entered into that covering coming out of exteme addiction and suicidal depression.
Then my greatest pain; losing my mother.
No words can describe that kind of pain.
Shortly afterward my Uncle Bill joined her in heaven. And again I spend most of my days alone with my grief, interrupted occasionally by some weekend visits with my love, Lisa (that is if she can find a place to stay here in Sac). If it werent for her then I dont know if I would be writing this now.
My knees were buckled, my faith rocked, my hope lost. Some days I didn't even get out of bed. Depression has always been a struggle of mine, it kept me homeless and lost in addiction and alcoholism for seven years in the past, and even now as a Christian I have to face that demon and battle with it from time to time. I dont always win, but I never remain defeated, thanks be to God! This time, not only do I have Christ in my life but He showed up stronger than ever.
Christ is my Lord! Not self pity or depression.

I was sad when I stepped away from full-time ministry but God still led me. I was lonely when I came here to live but Jesus was ever present. I was devistated when I lost my Mom, but my Heavenly Father is the Great Creator and He would not allow me to remain undone!
I awoke this morning as from a terrible dream and realized I am on the other side of this great trial. Lisa and I have spent the weekend talking about and planning our wedding. We have voiced our hopes to one another as well as our fears. We have planned how together we can help those we love and we have blessed one another and encouraged each other and together our excitement for the future is mounting.
These last few months have been trying, and yes, the most trying of my life. But I believe they have been the best for my growth, in faith in God than any I have ever lived and I now look forward to the future.

I also look back, but only to give me hope that my future is not just manageable, but that it is bright indeed.
Thank you Jesus for your love and thank you Mother for always loving me.

My Testimony In Chinese: Published 2007 The Spring Inc.

即使在孤獨中，我也永不孤單

林向陽譯

            那年，我三十九歲。有一天，我坐在荷里活錄影帶店前，準備在那裏用幾個小時去討錢。我開始閱讀一本我從前面的商店偷來，最新出版有關罪案的書籍。有一群臉帶笑容、態度誠懇的青少年向我講述耶穌的大愛。他們不曉得很久以前，我曾是一個在教會講台公開表明我對神不朽的愛及向神委身的年輕人（那是我一連串不能持守承諾的其中一個）。這些少年人耐心地讀我貼在購物車的標誌，上面寫著「無家可歸和無助者，神祝福你」。我的購物車上放著我當時的全部財產，它們對我來說太寶貝了，留在露宿的地方可能有會被別人偷走的危險，綁在購物車旁是幾個袋子，裝著一些可以再加利用的廢物、和塞滿我衣服的幾個背囊，還有幾個塑料的袋子，裝著我從雜貨店垃圾箱撿回來的食物。這群青少年問了我很多問題，如果要誠實回答的確會令我很尷尬。其中一個女孩子看起來一定還不夠十六歲，卻是全群中最勇敢的，她要我答應她，如果她給我錢，我不會用它來買酒和毒品，我也要要讓她為我禱告。我同意了，她按手在我肩頭為我禱告。我不記得她禱告的話或內容，但是我記得當我用她的錢去買酒精和毒品時，我心裏異常不安因為我破壞對她的承諾。這感覺從來沒有離開我。這事以後，有基督徒多次來到我面前和我分享耶穌的大愛。也像以前的每一次，我無法告訴他們，我自己是一個墮落的基督徒。我猜想因為自慚形穢之故。他們給我金錢和為我禱告，我也必定用他們給我的錢來買酒精和毒品，我的心總是因此耿耿於懷。可是，我身不由己，我被毒癮、酒癮緊緊控制，並且被罪惡感捆綁。

            我自小長大於一個沒有父親的家庭。並不是說我不快樂，我有很多童年快樂的回憶。但是，在我選擇錯誤時，我需要有人在身旁幫助和教導我。雖然我不像我的四個弟兄姊妹知道父親是誰，但是他們深信，我們沒有父親比有父親好。

            還有，我的母親是個很好的女人，我們的家一直充滿了愛，因為這愛，即使直到現在，我們弟兄姊妹還是很親熱。但是，母親要拼命工作來讓我們得溫飽和有安居之處。可是，我實在常常需要有人勸勉和指導。我的生活並非沒有困難，但是母親在那些關頭都能供應我們所需要。我記得和母親並我的弟兄姊妹到菜田、果園做工，我們一齊去摘水果、果實或到倉庫工作。在1960和1970年代養活五個孩子對母親來言並不容易。在成人學校修讀中學文憑，及做多份工作使母親無暇顧及我們，如果情形不一樣母親就會容易照顧我們。母親曾是，現在也是我心目中最敬佩的人，她是第一個向我顯明「愛」到底是甚麼的人，愛就是你為愛的人犧牲。

            我是一個很早熟的人，成長中沒有得到任何真正的督促。你可以說，從我一開始上學，我就是一個很獨立的孩子。我常常照顧自己。早上我自己起床，弄自己的早餐吃，然後走路上學。我喜歡獨立，因為這樣令我覺得自己老成和聰明。不過，自我信賴的心態讓我離開神很久。

            當我還是青少年時，我哥哥菲立接受耶穌為他個人的救主。每次當我們在街上踫面時，他會向我作見證和把神的愛告訴我。當年，我們並不是住在一起，因為他已經結婚搬開住。他告訴我，我需要改變，讓神拯救我的靈魂。我的反應是自義的拒絕或憤怒。我告訴他，我不需要耶穌因為我沒有任何過錯。我說﹕「我的生命並沒有令任何人受傷」。最後，我告訴他帶同他的被洗腦、愚笨的思想離開我，但是我的哥哥當年是一個真正的基督徒，現在也是，他從來沒有放棄我。

            雖然當時我已經深陷在毒癮和醉酒中，我還能盡量避免惹上真正的麻煩。我崇拜重金屬滾石歌手，及他們在音樂中的信息。這些東西最後把我引誘去公開崇拜魔鬼。

            十年就這樣過去了，這段時間我重復犯了很多相同的錯誤，結果我被學校的田徑隊開除，然後是足球隊，最後我被就讀的中學開除。那時，我已經深深染上海洛因毒癮。在我修完了中學相等學位後，我參軍了。我以為在軍隊中，我會因養成的自律而脫離毒癮。但是，沒有多久，祗有短短的兩年，我因吸大麻被軍隊開除。在軍隊時，我學會了一些壞東西，如﹕祗要我不犯法，我可以仍然酗酒，或過毫無道德的生活。但是，我對神的律法毫不尊敬。

            我的哥哥帶領我信主那天晚上，我已經二十五歲，我是個毫無前途的人。我仍然與母親住在祗有一個臥室的小公寓裏，我依然濫用同樣的毒品，每天晚上醉酒，依然沒有工作。我十五歲時，後父把我從他的家踢出來，二十二歲時，我被軍隊踢出來。自此，我做的工作不是被開除就是自己辭職。我心靈受了很大的創傷，我也是沒有指望和孤獨的人。

            在我的生命中，我做了很多羞愧的事情。那一年，所有我生命中的錯誤一齊發生了。有一天，當我要離開家去酒吧，到桌球台前痛飲啤酒時，我哥哥又來向我作見證說耶穌可以滿足我生命的空虛。我對他大發脾氣，為了叫他停嘴，我講了很多刻薄和傷害他的話。當時哥哥也和母親住在一起，因為他選擇錯誤對象，結果婚姻破裂之故。我故意把他的錯誤一一指出來。但是，哥哥從來沒有否認他的錯誤，他祗是一直不停地宣講神的饒恕與恩典。也許藉著向我作見證，他自己也會被神無條件的大愛提醒。

            我整夜流連酒吧，喝得醉醺醺，還加上吸毒，我做了幾件可怕的錯事，使我失去了所有的自信心和自尊心。當我走進母親公寓的大門時，我的哥哥在那裏迎接我。他告訴我，不管我做了些甚麼，不管我成為甚麼樣的人，不管我怎麼樣看自己，耶穌仍然愛我，願意饒恕我，依然願意與我建立關係。如果這是真實的，這就是我一直最渴望擁有的。故此，我願意相信祂，並求神進入我的生命中。那天晚上，我們清理我們的公寓，找出所有的香煙、色情雜誌，和任何代表過去的我的東西，通通把它們沖進馬桶或丟在公寓外的垃圾桶裏面。從那天開始，我就是一個新造的人，我的生命永遠不會跟以前一樣！

            我每天在主裏成長。在以後的一年多時間，我去教會，讀經和禱告。神在我生命中極度短暫的時間裏面成就了很多事情，故此，沒有甚麼事情我不願意為祂、和為祂的國度去作的。但是，有一件事情我求祂成就的，神沒有應允我。有好幾個月，我常常禱告，每天對神盡忠。神把我從不可藥救的過去拯救出來，我享受每個新的一天。我盼望有一天神會應允我的禱告，把我喜歡的那個女人賜給我。

            那天來到，我知道神的答案是「不」時，我忘記祂以前曾賜給我的一切，我像一個被寵壞的孩子，我叛逆神。我不再禱告，不再禁食，甚至不再相信神是真實的。即使祂是真實的，祂對人類毫不關心。故此我問﹕神真的像祂所說的愛我們嗎？

            一個星期後，我在一個酒吧喝酒，想找個女朋友。我悖逆了神，我決定如果神不能按照我的心意給我一個妻子，我就離開祂自己找一個妻子。那晚，我遇見一個我以前的女朋友，這事情過了七年後，我才回到神面前。

            我與那個女朋友有了一段短暫的愛情，我們有了兒子羅伯。有時非常難以明白這段情是我生命墮落的一部分，因為除了耶穌，羅伯是走進我生命中一個最好的人。作為一個父親，能有這個小兒子愛我，願意和我一起是神賜給我最好的禮物。是做正確事情的時候了，故此我盡量和他的母親合作，使我們的婚姻幸福。以後幾年很難過，我完全愛我的兒子，但卻與他的母親關係危機重重。隨著年日的過去，我的毒癮越來越深。如果不是為維持這個家，我們的關係一早就破裂。但是，這天終於來了，我的毒癮戰勝了我該作又好又正確的事。我失去一切。

            我的兒子羅伯站在房間的中央，他才五歲，他非常的驚慌，又哭又尖叫，他哀求我不要走。他的母親向我下了最後的通喋﹕把毒品沖進馬桶或我離開。當我走出門口時，羅伯的神情永遠烙在我的心裏。我禱告，希望有一天，他會忘記被父親遺棄的痛苦。

            離棄親兒和罪惡感把我帶到毀滅的途徑，令我失去一切。我的寶貝兒子，以及我的尊嚴，因我的毒癮和罪惡感而完全被犧牲淨盡。我現在是一個無家可歸的流浪漢。我也許可以尋求幫助或最低限度可以住在一個家人的家裏，但是我知道如果這樣做，我必須改過自新。我傷害兒子的罪惡感並不容許我幫助自己，故此我自暴自棄，不願意改變。

            兩年以後，我終於回到神面前，就像一個浪子，灰頭灰臉回家去。不過那時，毒販一直找我尋仇，我忙於逃命。我現在剩下的祗有我的舊貨車和我的聖經。一個晚上，當我在加州的Salinas街道賣了一整天的毒品，有一群男人要追殺我，要提醒我到底誰是街道發施號令的人。我為自己的生命擔憂，左躲右避，故此我向神呼求。我記得曾想過我該向誰求救，我的弟兄、姐姐，或許一些朋友，一些會幫助我重新過正常生活的人。但是，沒有任何人可以幫助我。我知道祗有耶穌可以幫助我救我脫離罪惡的自己。故此，我打電話給我的牧師。

            我回到Hollister我的家小鎮，在一個朋友的旅行車過了一夜，準備天亮時去看牧師。我把帶來的毒品吸光，心裏要立刻回Salinas重過以前的舊生活。魔鬼一次一次的欺哄我，要把我回到舊日罪惡中。但是一個義人大有功效的禱告保守了我和帶領了我。

            當我在旅行車時，我的心靈掙扎非常厲害，我強烈渴望改過自新，也同樣強烈想吸毒，我決定到教會去等我的牧師來。那天是復活節主日晨早五時半。教會的大門是開著的，我走進教會看見牧師正在大聲禱告，他在講台前一邊走一邊禱告，當他轉過身子時，我看見他的臉上淚水淋灕。當我問他那麼早在教會幹甚麼，他告訴我自從接到我的電話後，他就一直在這裏為我禱告。在這個時刻，我才曉得禱告到底是甚麼，它是從心裏發出來向神的呼求，可以使一個吸毒者改變成為一個悔改的人。

            這個復活節，以馬內利牧師把我看成他的家人。我們在早上一同去教會，下午和教會其他的會友去野餐。我的頭腦得安寧，不過心裏還顧念在江湖混的日子。有一些直到現在我也不明白的原因，我希望可以回到我恨惡的舊生活中，也許我不願意被饒恕或原諒我自己曾對兒子造成的傷害。也許我害怕神一旦重建我們父子的感情，我會再離開兒子。也許是以上所有的原因。但是我知道好景不常，八個月後，我真的又離開了那裏。

            再說那天傍晚，牧師帶我到Stockton鎮，把我安置在一個基督徒男人之家，那是教會團契辦的。我在那裏用大部分的時間來讀經，禱告，和負責煮飯。在這幾個月中，我知道一件事情，就是即使我現在更認識神，雖然我渴望更親近祂，但因我屬靈退後的惰性，使這些事情並不容易心想事成。我掙扎要重拾那起初之愛-對神的委身。六個月後，我畢業回家，面對的是繼續順服和靈命成長的掙扎。

            雖然如此，神還是立刻開始在我的生命中作工。神成就大事，我的兒子已經七歲，我得到兒子的共同監護權，那是一個神跡。在法庭上，我面對的是一場不能嬴的戰爭。一切事情都對我不利。在家庭法庭作為一個被告，我必須證明自己並沒有對兒子不利，和我也是一個好父親。我也必須拆穿那些攻擊反對我的謊言。神是信實的，當整個事情結束後，神讓我有機會重修我與兒子的破碎感情。那天法庭的決定，使我們可以有時間在一起，重新有親密的父子關係。

            我不再吸毒，我的生命重新開始，但是，每天晚上，我依然被街道放縱的生活困擾。我愛神，但是我也愛流連街頭放縱的生活。我最害怕的事情終於發生了。我再次離棄神和離棄我與兒子建立的新關係。我又回到幾個月前流蕩街頭的生活，而且這次比以前更泥足深陷。

五年就這樣過去了，我再次試圖重新開始。我現住在一條污溝旁一個臨時搭起來避風雨的露宿處。我曾被監禁了五次，我失去了生命中所有的東西，我也染上了海洛因毒癮。我曾被槍指著，被刀子架在頸子，超過一次被毆打到差點兒昏迷不醒。我也曾因毒品、錢財和幫派的緣故對別人作過同樣的事情。到了最後，我祗剩下自己一個人。

            每天晚上，我慣例地預備我的毒品，當我把它注射進我的血管時我會哭泣不停。有時我淚水把視線迷糊了，我要把淚水搽去才能看見我要注射的血管。經過多月的偷竊、買毒品，我已相信自己不再能有快樂了。每晚入睡前，我兒子站在房間哭泣的景況都在我腦海中閃過。我開始向神禱告讓我在睡夢中死去，結束我的痛苦。但是每天我又醒過來，面對同樣的問題，做同樣的壞事。這樣又過了幾個星期，我知道神垂聽禱告，因為隨著日子的過去，我求死的意願減少，我渴望與神相交意願卻增強了。一天晚上我作了一個新的禱告。不過我還是作同樣的慣例-注射毒品，我依然痛哭，但是這次我禱告神給我生命而不是死亡。

            那是我與我的哥哥在我母親的公寓禱告，接受神進入我的生命的十三年後，神依然在我的身旁。但是如果你看見我，你絕對不能相信我曾為榮耀的神而活。我是一個可憐的吸毒者和無用的小偷。我衰弱消瘦，骯髒和不修邊幅，但是神仍然稱我是祂的兒子。那天在母親的公寓，哥哥對我講的話在當時是真實的，現在依然也是真實的-『無論我做過甚麼，無論我變成甚麼樣得人，無論我如何看自己，耶穌依然愛我，祂仍然渴望與我有關係』。

            第二天，我來到一個復健中心，得了一個床位。我戒了海洛因，開始參加「吸毒者隱名自助會」的聚會，又與其他吸毒者一同接受輔導。但我認識那位真正的釋放者，世界沒有任何人可以與祂相比。我注意到的是﹕無論你戒了毒一天或已經戒毒十年，根據他們的教義，依然看你是一個吸毒者。我不能一輩子被人看為吸毒者。我知道，一旦耶穌釋放了你，你真的就是一個自由的人。故此，我做了一件我認為對的事情。我把自己的生命交給主，成為一個得救的人。六個月過去了，再次我在要選擇神或選擇毒品而掙扎。我很快又成為一個流浪漢和染上海洛因毒癮。

            那年，我的兒子已經十歲了，他也許可以原諒我第一次拋棄他，但是不可能一次又一次的原諒我。他因我當年離棄他，和一直沒有與他聯絡而恨我。現在我們的關係已經被我傷害太多了。每次當我看見他或和他講話，他要我保證我會留下來。我應允他，但是我心知肚明，不久我又會離棄他而去。

            這並不說我不再愛我的兒子，我像以前一樣的愛他。但是內疚感重重的壓在我心頭。我目睹自己拋棄親生子，我靈裏也知道我如此離棄神。事情怎麼能和從前一樣？他們怎能再次愛我呢？為甚麼他們要我回來？我成為他們的羞恥。我渴望他們愛我和需要我，但是我相信自己不配他們的愛。但是，就像以前一樣，當機成熟時，神為我預備道路讓我再次被尋著。

            我在復健中心短暫的日子中，我交了一個朋友，他的名字叫米高。自從我接受耶穌為救主，把我的生命交托基督後，我開始向米高作見證。每個星期天，我會邀請他與我一同去教會。每次他都禮貌地拒絕了。但是有一天，他答應和他的基督徒太太去教會。但是那時我已經離開了復健中心，與教會一些單身男人住在教會管理的公寓裏。直到兩年後，我才與米高重聚。

            現在我的兒子已經十二歲了，我也做了流浪漢足足有七年之久，我接受神為我的救主有十四年了。當時我已經三十九歲。在離離去去的最後兩年，是我生命最低落的時候。有人會問，怎能有人比我墮落得更厲害？原因很難推測，但是的確如此發生了。在街道上賣毒品所得錢已經不夠供應我的毒癮，因為所有被我傷害過的人實在太多了，而且我是連幫派也不要參加的人。踏出門口對我來說也是危險的。我也不敢再去偷錢來吸毒，因為我已經犯案累累，現我祗要稍為行差踏錯，即使偷最微不足道的東西我也會被送進監牢裏，我祗好去討錢或垃圾箱找可以換錢、和廢物利用的東西。我用所有的時間推著我的購物車，討錢和從垃圾箱找東西。我現住在加州Salinas南部一個購物商場後的垃圾箱傍邊。

            有兩年之久，我不剪頭髮和不剃鬍鬚，讓別人認不出我來。我生活像一頭野獸，毫無疑問，身上的臭味也像野獸。我骯髒不堪，羞恥令我抬不起頭來，人遇見我都退避三舍。但是神永遠知道我在那裏。當我傷心斷腸時，神就用祂的大愛提醒我。第一個找到我的是我的侄女。當時我正在Starbucks咖啡店前的垃圾箱裏，全身都埋在垃圾中，正在想把垃圾底部一個罐子挖出來，我侄女跑前來見我。當我一旦被她找到後，神開始在我的心中作工。我其他的侄女和侄兒也來找我談話。他們告訴我他們愛我，想念我。他們提醒我在教會的時光，他們說﹕『舅舅，神依然對你的生命有計劃。』我有沒有告訴你，他們全是基督徒？晚上時，我知道他們的禱告來到我的心裏，因為我渴望有耶穌。我每天晚上都想起我的兒子，都令我傷心難過。酒精和毒品只能暫時遮掩我的痛苦，因為痛苦很快地又回來吞噬了我。        我再次禱告神。當我想到我的兒子沒有我已經長大時，我向神禱告讓我重新得回我的生命﹕『請你讓生活回復像以前一樣吧』。當然這是不可能的。已經過去的時間，你怎可能使時光倒流？但是，神能令將來的時光好起來，甚至比以前更美好。時候到了，神再次呼召我成就祂在我身上之目的。

            有一天，我在一個超級市場前討錢，居然看見米高走前來，他謝謝我以前一直向他作見證。自從兩年前，我在教會最後看見他的那天，在他的生命裏發生很多事情，他在我離開了輔導中心後也離開那裏，後來還因故坐牢。當他在監獄裏時，常常想起我們討論過的信仰，他就開始讀聖經。他的太太也開始有規律地參加教會，當米高從監獄出來後，他就和太太一同去教會，後來還接受了耶穌為他的救主。這是八個月以前的事了。米高開始向我作見證，講述神的饒恕與大愛，並邀請我去參加他們的教會。我記得當年他拒絕我的邀請時我的感受，為了不要讓他感受同樣的悲哀，我就答應了他。我好像一個成熟的果子，是收成的時候了。神在我心中作工有好幾個星期了。神差遣不同的人，一次又一次來找我，陌生人向我作見證，甚至我的牧師也找到我向我作見證。不過，這是開場幕，暖身之舉而已，好戲還在後頭呢。

            米高指出神一直參與在我的生命中。米高曾是我傳福音的對象，我曾為他禱告很久，這是我不能忘記的。雖然自從我遇見主，在以往的十四年，我並沒有常常為主而活，但是我從來沒有覺得離開神很遠。當我孤獨無助時，我知道祂與我同在，但是我拒絕祂的友誼。並不是祂離開我或甚至我離開祂，即使我離棄神，神也不會離棄我。我開始明白神在老早就有的計劃，祂真的不會離開我和丟棄我。

            祗是因為我願意再次和我的兒子一起，或我願意洗心革面，或祗因我再次渴望活在神的大愛中，並不等於我準備跳進米高的車子並風馳電制衝去教會。每次他邀請我，我都答應，但是從來沒有去。米高有個優點，這優點救了我的生命，就是他的忠誠。

            有很多個禮拜，他來到我露宿之處，來找我要帶我到教會，每一次，我都道歉一番並拒絕去。因為那時的我不是正受毒品的影響，腦筋思想脫離現實，就是正在千方百計要找毒品吸，或當時因為沒有毒品吸而全身發冷不舒服。每一次他都會為我禱告，邀請我下星期再去，我再次答應，他下次再來又被我拒絕。我終於覺得繼續如此作是不對的，故此請他把他的電話號碼給我。如果我需要他就會打電話找他。他給我的電話號碼我祗看了一次就把它丟失了。

            好幾個星期過去了，我的心因我對兒子的內疚感沉重得很。每次我聽見別人告訴我有關耶穌時，我的心就越沉痛。我應該做些亡羊補牢的事﹕我試圖用自己的意志來戒毒，用我的方法戒毒，我不願意去參加另一個基督教辦的戒毒課程，因為我不願意再因失敗而內疚。

            我病了，而且相當嚴重，我抽筋和內臟流血。隨著日子的過去，我越來越軟弱，我已無法站起來，我視線模糊。我知道自己快死了。當我為每一個呼吸而掙扎時，我作了一個絕望中的禱告﹕『神啊，我向你的承諾呼求，你說，凡求告你的名的都必得救，故此我現在奉耶穌的名求告﹕拯救我，再次把生命賜給我，或饒恕我讓我死亡，把我帶到天堂去！』就在這個時刻，我突然記起米高的電話號碼！我掙扎要站起來，順著牆壁向著電話爬過去，我穿過商場，打電話給米高。不久，我已經被接到我妹妹的家，我洗了澡，穿得暖和，正在康復中。我雖然不是完全康復，但是每一分鐘都在進步中。

            三個星期後，我參加了舊金山的青少年挑戰課程，重新建立我與神的關係。在這些遠離神計劃的年日中，我學習到一個常常成為我心中力量的真理-無論我離開神多遠，神仍然一直在我身旁。在我邀請祂進入我心中的那天，祂就住在我的心裏，我的生命永遠不一樣了。我可以過一個完全不認識神的生活。但是，一旦認識了主，卻像我以前一樣依然活在罪中，我是永遠不會快樂的，因為我知道真理卻假裝不曉得。

            今天，神讓我走在重建和更新的路上。藉著舊金山青少年挑戰的課程，神讓我可以重建我曾與神失去的關係，我重新有幹勁和願意成為一個有用的人。我現在「地球大學」就讀，在網路上學習聖經，我的目標是希望將來成為一個傳福音的人。我願意幫助那些失喪，沒有盼望的人。接觸那些「流浪漢」或「沒有希望」的人，我知道在神沒有難事，祂能拯救勝數不清、每天千方百計要尋找消除痛苦方法的人。我知道神能，因為神能夠在我從差點完全毀滅中拯救出來，當時的我完全沒有盼望，祗有痛苦與孤獨。

            現在，我在「舊金山青少年挑戰」辦事處任職人事部主任及發展部監督。藉著祂的福音，神每天教導我如何去接觸那些被毒癮和酒精捆綁的人，裝備我成為一個有功效的見證人，神開新路，打開進入監獄和青少年拘留所的門，現在我們可以接觸那些被監禁的人，他們以前祗能重復經歷失敗，被打倒和被毒品酒精捆綁。

            事實是﹕毒品、酒精或離群，祗是一個對長久問題的暫時解決方法。我發覺，當我讓自己的問題被大家知道後可以幫助我按照神的話語來處理它們。藉著我個人與神的關係，我現在可以更有信心面對生命的挑戰，和滿有盼望獎賞的將來。

            看起來，我白白浪費了很多時光，但是我相信，即使那時我街頭流浪，無家可歸，深陷毒癮中，在所有浪費在神旨意以外的時間裏，我學習到一個堅固不移的真理-神永遠不會離開你或放棄你。

            我知道我是世界中一個最富有的人，因為當我渴求空虛和毫無意義的東西，如死亡時，神把在基督裏豐盛的生命賜給我！祂在我無可藥救時拯救我的靈魂，為此我非常感恩。

                                                                                                                        農納

                                                                                                                        神的僕人

Part 5 of A Winning Hand

When I was 15 I sat next to my brother in a church pew at Sunnyslope Christian Center in Hollister, CA as the preacher asked if there was anyone in the audience who wanted to give their life to Christ. My brother who had just graduated from SF Teen Challenge and had been trying to get me in church since he got out leaned over to me and said “Come on Cy, God wants to forgive you of your sins and have a relationship with you.” My response to him was, “I don’t need God or forgiveness, I never hurt anyone and I have everything I need already.” Of course I doubted everything I just told him. I just wasn’t sure of anything except this, I knew everything would change and I didn’t want it to.

On that day God offered me the winning hand and I refused to place my bet. I knew that if I was to take God up on His promise that I would lose all that I had, even though I believed that what I had was not enough to give me the things I wanted in life. But I always had so little that I was unwilling to part with the little I did have. What I didn’t know was that soon the little I had would lead me down a path that would eventually leave me with nothing at all.

I found myself living and sleeping on a pile of discarded cushions behind a dumpster, eating what stores throw away, pushing around a shopping cart as I went about my days digging in the trash for recyclables and begging for drug money on street or in front of the local video store. I had not only lost everything material in life but I lost my family and most importantly my opportunity to raise my only son. It was the loss of him that kept me stuck in depression and misery for over 7 years.

What I didn’t know is that God is the Master of taking little things and filling them with His power to do big things.

Part 4 of A Winning Hand

Christ's example of what our aim is and how we can use service to rise above "placement in life":

Philippians 2:5-8 NKJV

⁵ In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: ⁶ Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; ⁷ rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. ⁸ And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!

I was converted to Christianity when I was 25 but was not fully committed until I was 39. I had spent my youth chasing the American Dream and using my placement in life as an excuse for failure and a reason to fail. Consequently I ended up never really achieving any real success. There were times when I felt like true success was just right around the corner but I always believed that it was reserved for someone else and not “a guy like me”. That was my failing, I believed in the lie planted in me long before when I was a young boy, I had to be just like everyone else around me. Trouble is all my friends and family were drug users, drinkers and criminals. This was my lot in life. Or so I believed.

When God called me into the ministry I was just about to be 40 and I was in a drug rehab facility. San Francisco Teen Challenge was a place where I could learn to connect with God and discover that there is so much more to life than obtaining the American Dream. In fact that dream is not and never was what God had called me to. His calling is so much more than what a nation can offer, it takes you beyond your own means, further than yourself and higher than any of your own expectations. I see now that there is nothing I cannot accomplish as long as I continue to trust in Him and allow Him to lead.

Part 3 of A Winning Hand

The Apostle Paul understood that even though he had achieved all of what his culture considered success, there was something that kept him from finding true satisfaction in life. He writes about having obtained success in many areas, in the area of religious zeal, in the area of the law, in the area of status and position in life, all of these he was either born into or have achieved by diligence in study and zeal in commitment. However, all these compared to reaching out for a closer relationship with Christ is nothing. When writing about his successes the Apostle Paul says this:

Philippians 3:3-8 (GNT)

³ It is we, not they, who have received the true circumcision, for we worship God by means of his Spirit and rejoice in our life in union with Christ Jesus. We do not put any trust in external ceremonies.⁴ I could, of course, put my trust in such things. If any of you think you can trust in external ceremonies, I have even more reason to feel that way.⁵ I was circumcised when I was a week old. I am an Israelite by birth, of the tribe of Benjamin, a pure-blooded Hebrew. As far as keeping the Jewish Law is concerned, I was a Pharisee,⁶ and I was so zealous that I persecuted the church. As far as a person can be righteous by obeying the commands of the Law, I was without fault.⁷ But all those things that I might count as profit I now reckon as loss for Christ's sake.⁸ Not only those things; I reckon everything as complete loss for the sake of what is so much more valuable, the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have thrown everything away; I consider it all as mere garbage, so that I may gain Christ.

He continues by telling us of the discovery he has made that allows him to feel so passionately about something that he would throw away all he has and embrace a life challenged with one hardship after another.

Philippians 3:9-11 (GNT)

⁹ and be completely united with him. I no longer have a righteousness of my own, the kind that is gained by obeying the Law. I now have the righteousness that is given through faith in Christ, the righteousness that comes from God and is based on faith.¹⁰ All I want is to know Christ and to experience the power of his resurrection, to share in his sufferings and become like him in his death,¹¹ in the hope that I myself will be raised from death to life.

Paul later writes about discovering something of much more worth and value than status or station and his pursuit of it. He then makes this proclamation:

Philippians 3:12-14 (NKJV)

¹² Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. ¹³ Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, ¹⁴ I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

“It's not what you are willing to do that will make you successful. It's what you are willing to do without until you get there.” ~Daniel Waldschmidt~

A Winning Hand part 2

Like many Americans today I always believed that if you didn’t have what the Jones’ had then you were lacking in life. And if you had something nobody else had then you were really doing well because then everyone will desire what you have.

The sad truth is that though this is a world view it is also very prevalent in the church today, so even after coming to Christ I still struggled with my own self-worth. I believe that this type of thinking played a major role in my inability to gain a stable relationship with Christ and I found myself going in and out of church. It wasn’t until I began to learn from the Scriptures and get my identity from the Truths and Promises found in God’s Word that I was able to be truly satisfied and content in Christ. It doesn’t mean I have taken a vow of poverty and have learned to live without, it just means that I have learned to live happily with what I have, knowing that God does not only supply all my needs but is the Giver of all good gifts.

Jesus after warning us of the nature of the devil says this aabout Himself, “I have come to give life and life more abundantly!” John 10:10b That word abundant means, more, much and big! This means that I can expect much from God, I can expect more from God than what the world can offer me, and I can expect big things from God! Like not just my son getting saved but his children as well coming to know Christ as Savior, not just my bills being paid but having money left over to help others meet their own needs. It means not only will I be guarded from illness when everyone else around me is getting the flu or a cold but that He can heal me of major, life threatening diseases like Hepatitis or Diabetes!

Paul understood this as well and next time we will get further into the Scriptures and see what God has to say about the Hand we were dealt….

A Winning Hand part 1

“…if you’re dealt four aces, that doesn’t make you necessarily a great poker player.”

~Mitt Romney~

In the law of opposites if this statement is true then so is its counter.

“If you are dealt a bad hand it doesn’t necessarily make you a bad poker player.”

Too often many of us complain about the hand we are dealt and use our “unlucky condition” to excuse us from believing in ourselves and aiming high in life. How do I know this? Well, I lived it.

I have told myself many times in the past, “Only if… or I wish this… or I wish that…” and this type of thinking has hindered me more than any bad choice I have ever made or any mistake I have made. You may say “How can you say that? You’re a former heroin addict you were homeless and begged for money and ate out of supermarket dumpsters. Weren’t those bad choices the reasons for you not becoming successful in life?”

My answer to you would be, no. Those aren’t the reasons for me never owning my own home or buying a new car. Those choices are not the reasons that I haven’t been able to be the father I would have liked to have been or have raised a large and happy family. The reason I believe I have failed in my past is because I had my eye on the wrong prize. Mind you, I no longer believe myself to be a failure even though I still do not have any of what the world would consider “success”, but even so, I am still not in want. I have all that I need for happiness and satisfaction, the restoration God has brought to my life is nothing short of amazing. I have found a new target to aim for and it is one much loftier than material wealth. I have discovered eternal life with Christ and an abundant life on Earth.

In part 2 we will learn from where this great revelation has come.

Rescued From Destruction

THERE IS A STORY THAT GOES ALONG WITH THIS MUG SHOT.

I was arrested in the middle of the night for under the influence of heroin. I had a campsite set up alongside the RR tracks near skid row of Salinas, CA and every so often the night shift officers would come and check me out and see who I had with me, they were looking for absconders. My camp was pretty large and it was waterproof so every night people would come to me and I would charge them to stay the night, either drugs, money or they would be a lookout for a couple of hours. I was a small time street pusher at the time so I would spend the nights packaging dope and getting high with whoever was there. That night the Sergeant shows up and calls out to me, “Who do have in there Cy?” He knew me from the many times he had been there. He never really harassed me he would just do his rounds and check up, I believe he really did care for the people out there. That night he was training a couple of rookies, and after admitting to the sergeant that I had used heroin earlier in the day, like I always did while being questioned and searched, I mean why lie, he just gave me the talk about turning my life around. The rookie on the other hand figured I needed taking off the streets. He arrested me and took me in. I appealed to the sergeant but what was he going to do take the side of a junkie over fellow officers?

Interesting thing is I always posted a lookout while I packaged my drugs, but this time the guy out there had warrants so when he saw the cops sneaking up on us he quietly snuck out of there to hide. I never knew they were coming.

I had my guard down, not because there was no-one posted to be a look-out but because I had left the Stronghold of my Savior and pitched my tent in the enemies’ camp. I had no protection from my enemies that surrounded me, but God rescued me from serious trouble. I did about 5 days in jail that time and while I was down some men came to my camp in the middle of the night to do me great harm. When I did get out of jail and I returned everyone was telling me how a bunch of men came with shotguns to kill me, apparently I had made someone mad. It happens on the streets sometimes, worst thing to do is get caught slippen.

One thing I used to do was allow prostitutes to stay there and use my camp, they always kicked down cash or drugs for me doing it but I did it for other reasons. I wouldn’t take advantage of them, just give them a place to do their thing instead of out in the bushes and plus they also bought a lot of drugs from me and brought buyers to me too. I truly did feel very bad for them, they had it the hardest of all street people. It was probably someone’s pimp or connection that was mad at me. I never knew why they came. I knew who they were but not what beef they had with me. By the time I was released and returned to my camp, these men have all been arrested themselves and I never had to be confronted by them.

Even in my backslidden state and in the condition I was in at the time God still had His hand on my life. People will always claim, "Oh it just wasn't your time", but the truth is it just wasn't God's time to let me go. His Word says He will never leave you or forsake you and this picture is proof of that. God also says that "Who so ever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved!" And the man you see on the right at one time begged God to save his soul and God was faithful. He not only freed me from the guilt of my sins but He also filled me with an abundant life as well. That is why the smile.

In my memory there are so many more images that took place between the time of these two you see here, and they are far more shocking to behold and way more revealing of God's Amazing Grace and Mercy.

My friend Bonnie commended me for the courage it took to post this the last time I did and though I love you for your words Bon please understand, it took no courage at all to post these pictures. It’s all gratitude. I thank God for finding me at my worst and still loving me. My prayer is that through this picture His love will be revealed to another. God Bless You All and thank you for taking the time to read this.

Unarmed and no Longer Dangerous

The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.

Here at Teen Challenge I sometimes hear stories that amaze me. I once spoke to a guy while he was in a hospital bed awaiting a liver transplant. He took 500 Tylenol tablets to try to kill himself! I didn't know that that was a sure way to end your life, perhaps even more successful than a bullet! But in the end he was blessed because he had people praying for him, God did heal him and he was delivered! He came to San Francisco TC and God was able to do a work in his life. The previous story though has really opened my eyes to how easily the enemy of your soul can enter in and destroy a family, especially one that is not Christ centered. My prayers have always been for the lost or those in bondage to some drug or other life-controlling problem, until at one of our TC choir outings I preached a sermon in a small church about a year ago. As I prayed for God to give me a message He opened my eyes to one very real truth, People come to our Center because other people lead them here. It is not very often someone comes to us because they themselves decided to seek help, (unless they have been here before). And we don't go out and do an outreach and bring them in right off the street. They come because someone who loves them searched for them or was waiting for them to finally "get tired" and in the mean time they prayed for them believing God will someday reach them and when He did they brought them here because they heard about what God is doing in Teen Challenge. That is the effectiveness of our outreach endeavors, we do evangelize the lost but mostly we reach out to churches, (meaning the people in the church). In almost every case a wife or mother or friend or even Pastor says to me "I have been praying for him for so long..." Since that morning in that small church my prayers have changed! Today I pray for the family of believers who pray for their loved ones who are dying of addiction. I pray that they will always hold on to the Hope that is in Christ and in His promises. I pray that God will remove the spirit of judgment and allow a mother or wife, a father or son, or whoever it is that is praying to do so without any prejudice or pride or condemnation, that every hindrance will be removed, that faith and the power of love will be the catalyst for change. We are all in need of His mercy, none any more than the next guy. I don't care if you're a drug addict, drug dealer or prostitute, whether you are a teacher, lawyer or housewife, God's mercy is for the poor in spirit. It's not measured out because of where you sleep or where you work or what you do with your day. It is given freely to all who will ask, whether you are asking for yourself or for another. I also pray for my sister who is lost and addicted to drugs. I still have a heart for the countless others out there who are hurting and I do still pray for them from the deepest reaches of my spirit, but when I pray for my sister there is a level of pain involved that can only come from a deep-rooted personal connection. Just as so many others out there, I too understand what it is like to see someone you've always known and loved become someone you don't recognize any longer. We pray for them and wish that they can return to us and have things as they used to be. The truth is, they are forever changed as we too are changed by the experience. But Christ has overcome the world and we are the spoils of His victory! Us and them! Some years ago a survey was done that stated that every 30 days there are 20 million people using illicit drugs in America. And for every one of those people they directly affect 5 other people. There were 300 million people in America back then, so that means that one third of our nation was directly effected by the drug epidemic. Today those numbers are even higher. Because of the meth epidemic and the growing abuse of prescription drugs, America faces it’s biggest challenge yet! What make us effective in what God has called us to do, IS YOU. You are one of the other five! God wants to use you to save them all! Cy L. Nunez