Trying Times, Found Hope

The last few months of 2012 have been the worst of my entire life, I almost wish the world would have ended as the Mayans had pridicted lol. I can't even remember a more trying time or remember ever having my faith and trust in God tested more strongly than then.
First I moved to an unfamiliar city with no friends to follow my calling and take on a challenging position with the greatest organization in the world, Teen Challenge. Only to be laid off three months later and stuck in leases and commitments that keep me here. Then I struggle medically, financially, and finally emotionally. Having to look in a direction other than TC for employment was very difficult for me to realize was needed for my next level and I was very tempted to give into the familiar securities and miss what God has for me. Leaving fulltime ministrty hurt me greatly and stepping out from beneath such a covering was scary for me. I entered into that covering coming out of exteme addiction and suicidal depression.
Then my greatest pain; losing my mother.
No words can describe that kind of pain.
Shortly afterward my Uncle Bill joined her in heaven. And again I spend most of my days alone with my grief, interrupted occasionally by some weekend visits with my love, Lisa (that is if she can find a place to stay here in Sac). If it werent for her then I dont know if I would be writing this now.
My knees were buckled, my faith rocked, my hope lost. Some days I didn't even get out of bed. Depression has always been a struggle of mine, it kept me homeless and lost in addiction and alcoholism for seven years in the past, and even now as a Christian I have to face that demon and battle with it from time to time. I dont always win, but I never remain defeated, thanks be to God! This time, not only do I have Christ in my life but He showed up stronger than ever.
Christ is my Lord! Not self pity or depression.

I was sad when I stepped away from full-time ministry but God still led me. I was lonely when I came here to live but Jesus was ever present. I was devistated when I lost my Mom, but my Heavenly Father is the Great Creator and He would not allow me to remain undone!
I awoke this morning as from a terrible dream and realized I am on the other side of this great trial. Lisa and I have spent the weekend talking about and planning our wedding. We have voiced our hopes to one another as well as our fears. We have planned how together we can help those we love and we have blessed one another and encouraged each other and together our excitement for the future is mounting.
These last few months have been trying, and yes, the most trying of my life. But I believe they have been the best for my growth, in faith in God than any I have ever lived and I now look forward to the future.

I also look back, but only to give me hope that my future is not just manageable, but that it is bright indeed.
Thank you Jesus for your love and thank you Mother for always loving me.

Where Have You Laid Him

John 11:33-36


33 Therefore, when Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her weeping, He groaned in the spirit and was troubled. 34 And He said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to Him, “Lord, come and see.”      

Do we believe as the mourners there did that Jesus grieved over the death of His friend? Or do we understand that Jesus not only knew where Lazarus was buried but also knew he would live again before he even began the journey to his town?



Jesus asks where they had laid him not because He did not know but because He was giving us the picture of true friendship, allowing for this time to remain fully man in their eyes. If he had just went straight to the tomb then the people would have been expecting a miracle from the Son of God and not instead seeing Christ’s love and compassion for one man.


"Jesus wept" we know Jesus did not weep over the death of a friend, and I say it is not over the lack of faith of those who mourn as I have heard some say. But I believe Jesus wept not for, but with the friends and family of mourners. I believe He shared in their time of grief to comfort and let them know it is ok to grieve and mourn.


We must learn this as well, to be joyful for others and with others in their time of joy and to mourn with others in their time of sorrow and for others. Jesus wept not for the loss of His friend but because the others were filled with sorrow and grief and He had compassion for them.


Jesus went there with the purpose of knowing what He would find and what He would do. And He allowed time to minister to the mourners and to the family he encountered there but He came for a purpose, to bring life to something that was dead. He asks the family, where have you laid him, and they reply by saying come and see.


His purpose had a place and it was not in the vale of tears but instead His purposes place is where dead things lie!


There are so many lessons in this one very short verse, we must follow Christ’s example and grieve for those who grieve, to mourn with the mourners, to allow ourselves to become less than who we are to comfort and minister, to esteem others greater than ourselves.... But we must also learn the lesson of purpose. You must travel with purpose and your purpose must have a place. Like Jesus, That place is where dead things lie. Jesus wants to resurrect the dead things in people's lives, dead marriages, dead families, dead hopes, and dead dreams. Go to these places, allow yourself to mourn with them, grieve because they grieve but then ask as Jesus did, Take me to the thing that is dead.....


35 Jesus wept. 36 Then the Jews said, “See how He loved him!”

Dusting:

One thing about being involved in frontline ministry is that you run into a lot of people who have very touching stories. Either they are extremely uplifting and very powerful in a way that you know that only God can do such tremendous things in a persons life or they are so very sad that you run towards the cross and fall on your face knowing that we are but a moment away from having all we hold dear and precious snatched away and nothing we do can change or even prevent it. God is sovereign! And we are in reality only passing through this world on our way to eternity.This story is one of those sad ones, please read it. It may save the life of someone you hold dear and precious.

First, I'm going to tell you a little about me and my family. My name is Jeff. I am a Police Officer for a city which is known nationwide for its crime rate. I also have a police K-9 named Thor. He was certified in drugs and general duty. He retired at 3 years old because he was shot in the line of duty. He lives with us now and I still train with him because he likes it. I always liked the fact that there was no way to bring drugs into my house. Thor wouldn't allow it. He would tell on you. The reason I say this is so you understand that I know about drugs.I have taught in schools about drugs. My wife asks all our kids at least once a week if they used any drugs. Makes them promise they won't. I like building computers occasionally and started building a new one in February 2005. I also was working on some of my older computers. They were full of dust so on one of my trips to the computer store I bought a 3 pack of DUST OFF. Dust Off is a can of compressed air to blow dust off a computer. A few weeks later when I went to use one of them they were all used. I talked to my kids and my two sons both said they had used them on their computer and messing around with them. I yelled at them for wasting the 10 dollars I paid for them.On February 28 I went back to the computer store. They didn't have the 3 pack which! I had bought on sale so I bought a single jumbo can of Dust Off. I went home and set it down beside my computer. On March 1st, I left for work at 10 PM. Just before midnight my wife went down and kissed Kyle goodnight. At 5:30 am the next morning Kathy went downstairs to wake Kyle up for school, before she left for work. He was propped up in bed with his legs crossed and his head leaning over. She called to him a few times to get up. He didn't move. He would sometimes tease her like this and pretend he fell back asleep. He was never easy to get up. She went in and shook his arm. He fell over. He was pale white and had the straw from the Dust Off can coming out of his mouth. He had the new can of Dust Off in his hands. Kyle was dead.I am a police officer and I had never heard of this. My wife is a nurse and she had never heard of this. We later found out from the coroner, after the autopsy, that only the propellant from the can of Dust off was in his system. No other drugs. Kyle had died between midnight and 1am I found out that using Dust Off is being done mostly by kids ages 9 through 15. They even have a name for it. It's called dusting. A take off from the Dust Off name. It gives them a slight high for about 10 seconds. It makes them dizzy. A boy who lives down the street from us showed Kyle how to do this about a month before. Kyle showed his best friend. Told him it was cool and it couldn't hurt you. It's just compressed air. It can't hurt you. His best friend said no.Kyle was wrong. It's not just compressed air. It also contains a propellant called R2. It's a refrigerant like what is used in your refrigerator. It is a heavy gas, heavier than air whenyou inhale it, it fills your lungs and keeps the good air, with oxygen, out that's why you feel dizzy, buzzed. It decreases the oxygen to your brain, to your heart. Kyle was right. It can't hurt you. IT KILLS YOU!The horrible part about this is there is no warning. There is no level that kills you. It's not cumulative or an overdose; it can just go randomly, terribly wrong. Roll the dice and if your number comes up you die. IT'S NOT AN OVERDOSE. It's Russian Roulette. You don't die later. Or not feel good and say I've had too much. You usually die as you're breathing it in, if not you die within 2 seconds of finishing 'the hit.' That's why the straw was still in Kyle's mouth when he died. Why his eyes were still open.The experts want to call this huffing. The kids don't believe its huffing. As adults we tend to lump many things together. But it doesn't fit here. And that's why it's more accepted. There is no chemical reaction, no strong odor. It doesn't follow the huffing signals. Kyle complained a few days before he died of his tongue hurting. It probably did. The propellant causes frostbite. If I had only known. It's easy to say hey, it's my life and I'll do what I want. But it isn't. Others are always affected. This has forever changed our family's life. I have a hole in my heart and soul that can never be fixed. The pain is so immense I can't describe it. There's nowhere to run from it. I cry all the time and I don't ever cry. I do what I'm supposed to do but I don't really care. My kids are messed up. One won't talk about it. The other will only sleep in our room at night. And my wife, I can't even describe how bad she is taking this. I thought we were safe because of Thor.I thought we were safe because we knew about drugs and talked to our kids about them.After Kyle died another story came out. A probation Office r went to the school system next to ours to speak with a student. While there he found a student using Dust Off in the bathroom. This student told him about another student who also had some in his locker. This is a rather affluent school system. They will tell you they don't have a drug problem there. They don't even have a dare or plus program there. So rather than tell everyone about this 'new' way of getting high they found, they hid it.The probation officer told the media after Kyle's death and they, the school, then admitted to it. I know that if they would have told the media and I had heard, it wouldn't have been in my house.We need to get this out of our homes and school computer labs. Using Dust Off isn't new and some 'professionals' do know about. It just isn't talked about much, except by the kids. They all seem to know about it.April 2nd was 1 month since Kyle died. April 5th would have been his 15th birthday. And every weekday I catch myself sitting on the living room couch at 2:30 in the afternoon and waiting to see him get off the bus. I know Kyle is in heaven but I can't help but wonder if I died and went to Hell.